February 6, 2011: “Rainbow Jelly Beans”
I feel like I’m stuck, like I’m helpless. Though I know I’m not. I’m having issues adjusting to this lifestyle of schooling. I don’t do well with no homework and just lectures. I don’t do well with just final exams and not being able to overload and monopolize my time. And I definitely don’t do well when I’m scared to death that this is just going to ruin my plan for school and I won’t be able to graduate on time (which was planned for a year late to begin with), or I won’t be able to work this summer (I need that money). I don’t do well being stressed and not having a starting point to fix that stress. I supposed that’s why I cracked; I broke down the other day, cried for a good half-hour at least, and just let Tom hold me.
I’m not sure where I’d be without Tom… Well, actually I’d probably be the same place I am now only a lot less happy. I wouldn’t have my best friend, my confident, my lover. I would be hopelessly and utterly alone. He really does mean the world to me. We may not have that spraks-flying, firework chemistry, but we have the strongest friendship I’ve ever known. We can tell each other anything and everything; it’s honest and it’s real. And living with him this past month? I really do love him. We make dinner together every night, we get to sleep in the same bed every night. It’s those little things that mean the world to me because they show me that he really is the one. When he steps up to cook, when he doesn’t complain dragging 5 bags back from the grocery store every week, when he leaves me to shop by myself for a bit, when he cuddles up to me in the middle of the night, when he adventures with me and we just walk in the chilly air for hours on end and he smiles down at me, that’s when I know he’s it. He’s the one. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I could try to leave him if I felt like it, I could try to run to someone else. And sure, I could have fun; but it wouldn’t be the same. I will always run back to Tom. I will always go back to him. And thus, there’s no point in trying to leave him. It’s him. It’s always been him and it will always be him. I never believed her when she told me I’d forget about Tyler, but she was right; I look at it now as a point in my life when I loved someone that just wasn’t right for me. And Keith? Never would have lasted even if we’d tried. And Steven? Well, I think I’ll always love him. He was my best friend for a solid year or so, and he was the reason I had opened my heart to Tom in the first place. But when I say I’ll always love him, I’m not in love with him, I was at one point in my life. That point has passed, now he’s simply what I would consider a good friend, who was there for me when no one else could be. And that’s it. There is no one else. Sure, there are other guys I care about, but that’s it. And caring about them doesn’t even begin to compare to what Tom and I have.
I love Tom. I absolutely love him. And I’m impatient. Impatient because I’ve made up my mind. I’ve decided. I’m going to marry Tom. And I’m impatient to make that official. I’m impatient because I want to be engaged to Tom. But I don’t want to propose; I’m stubborn, I want a classic proposal with my father’s permission and a ring. But I know it’s impractical, I know he doesn’t have the money for it right now. But I think I’m more afraid that he’s not ready for that just yet, and that’s why it hasn’t happened yet. I’m afraid that I’ve settled on him and he hasn’t settled on me. And I’m probably just being irrational, but that’s what happens when I have too much time to think. I just want a ring… and some more Cranberry & Apple jelly beans would be nice, too, because I already have the rainbow jelly beans <3
